Dear Concerned Parent,
I am going to assume you and other parents have gone to the school board with this problem. If not, write letters to them, go to a board meeting, get a petition moving NOW! Have everyone in the community sign it. Even call the superintendent’s office and talk with him / her about your concerns. VOICE! VOICE! VOICE! Loudly and strongly…get everyone involved even parents of the k-3 kids because it will soon affect them too. The school district has really inconvenienced everyone here and put kids in a rather unsafe position.You can even write letters to the editor of the local newspaper and online newspapers. Also call the bus garage and complain. There is power in numbers here. The more people who complain and ruffle their feathers, so to speak, the more likely you will change their minds on this because this is not a good thing. The district probably wants to keep this quiet. You can even write your mayor and senator to seek help. Hopefully, the school district will see what a problem this is and change its decision. Until that changes, you may want to carpool kids to school. Maybe take turns with other parents you know well. Good luck! ~Reva

Let’s get real on some things……look at your problem/situation in the face. Did you do anything to cause it? If so, then perhaps an apology is an order. Let’s look at some inappropriate ways to apologize……….
Do Not…..
1. yell “SORRY” and stamper off like a little kid.
2. place blame on the other person. (For example…I am sorry you made me do it.)
3. call names. (For example….I apologize that you’re an idiot).
4. apologize for the person’s feelings. (For example, I am sorry you were disappointed.)
5. have an emotional thrust…the crying, yelling etc…Take some time, wait awhile if you need to in order to have a composed discussion.

People need to talk things out. That is a number ONE problem!….We often can’t! Ya see, what often happens is that we don’t like to listen to the other side, but Man, we want to be heard! So some people drive off in cars, swear, break dishes, cry and scream…whatever… so they can be heard! Ridiculous! It’s time to change to a people of self-control. We should have calmness and politeness, and we need to care about others…enough to listen with our hearts. We often listen to words and try to form a defense immediately, instead of saying we’re sorry and meaning it. We need to apologize to set ourselves free from defending wrong or hurt and to set others free from hurt and injustice…..

It is alright to take some time away from the person. After all, you just had an argument of some sort. Let them know if you can. Say something like, “I can’t talk about this right now. I just need some time.” You can also add a time for that person to call you, or when you will call them. Really “get to the heart” apologies should be done face to face if possible, (when both people are ready). You can see the person’s reactions, body language etc. and often follow that if need be; for example there may be a misunderstanding and you’ll be able to see that in their facial expressions.

Furthermore an apology should be “I am sorry for (action you did or something you said). Please forgive me. I didn’t intend to hurt you.” If you did intend to hurt the person (and at times we do), then at the end say, “I did it because……..(fill in) I was angry (for example), and that’s a shallow reason, and I am so sorry.” That’s a great apology. One with guts that takes ownership of the wrong-doing.

For example: “Jack, I am sorry for yelling at you and calling you a jerk. I was over-emotional and did not intend to hurt you. I know I really need to get control over these emotions, so I can calm down and talk out our problems. Please forgive me.”

Sometimes it isn’t easy, but don’t sit around and analyze your apology…”just do it.” I recently apologized for something I thought was so ridiculous for the offender to be upset about. Not only did I think it was ridiculous; but I also thought I was RIGHT about the situation at hand…even after we talked the details out. However, I did NOT tell the person I felt that way. I just apologized with heartfelt sincerity. Why? And did I lie?

Firstly, I didn’t lie….I wanted the person to be set free from hurt. And yes it was a true “gutsy” apology like the one above. There was a part of my brain saying, What are you doing, Reva? This is nuts?” But, my heart said, “I hurt her, no matter how trivial I think it is. She’s in pain over this, and our relationship will not be the same until she knows my heart wants peace too” So, really it is about laying down our pride, at times, for the ability to have PEACE!

I know people who have held grudges for years….Why do people do that? Because they are RIGHT! There may be other ‘things” at hand, like money, or valuable items (whether it’s monetary or sentimental.) But those things in life will pass away….money is gone in a heartbeat and items, get lost, broken, etc. Let’s face it. PRIDE holds us back. We want to be right AND we want the other party to ACKNOWLEDGE that we are right! (Dang! wouldn’t that be nice.) Normally that doesn’t happen, so we stay angry and sever our relationship for years.

Receiving an apology is usually much easier than giving one. We usually say that we accept the person’s apology after talking it out and go on with life. In severe situations we may not go on in life with that person as a friend or in our lives. Believe it or not….that’s okay too. I have a friend whose ex-husband had cheated on her many times. How many times can she forgive that? Her mind always wondering who he’s with. None-the-less, how many STDs will she have or even knowing she could contract AIDS. The list goes on. I think the best way to put it is use your own judgment. If you are constantly being hurt by someone, you may be in more serious danger….don’t engage with them any more.

That’s all for now. Enjoy your week.
~Reva

Reva is a graduate of SUNY Potsdam with a bachelors degrees in psychology and education. She’s also a graduate of SUNY Cortland with a masters degree in education. Reva has worked many years as an educator and gives very practical advice.
If you have a question for Reva, email her at reva@m3ppublications.com

Dear Forty,
Of course, furthering your education is difficult.  Anything “worth it” in life is.  There are so many unanswered questions here…..So this response will be full of them.  Ask yourself these and see what you can modify in your life to make education possible…..And YES!  I definitely think going back to school in your 40s, or at any age, is worth it. Many people begin new careers then and most are very happy they reentered school.

First question, and a very important one….How will furthering my education help me at this time in my life? Here are some possible answers:
1. Financially (once done)
2. Goal achieved
3. Lift self- esteem / confidence
4. Always wanted to try college
5. Will be doing (career wise) what you want to do

If you want even one of these things, listed, go back to school.  Try it, or you’ ll never know what you are missing. You will always wonder  “what if ????”

As for needing your present income, is it possible to start classes at night?  Then work in the daytime (or vise versa).  Also, financially, make some cuts, like keep the old car for another year or two, give up cable and home phone, only use a cell phone, don’t eat out at restaurants. Things like that will really help.  You’ll be amazed how much you can cut down on unnecessary expenses to help yourself financially.

In addition go to the college you plan to attend and schedule an appointment with the financial assistant, usually in the bursar’s office.  She/He can help you with your loan paper work, tell you what’s available for you, types of loans for which you qualify, and make recommendations based on your financial situation.  Furthermore, you can get a loan, usually a subsidized, so you don’t pay for it until you are finished with college (unless you take a semester or two off or quit, then of course, you have to begin payments).   Plus you can get one while taking a total of 6 credit hours (considered part-time) at most colleges.

There are also many grants to find online these days.  Do a search. Google everything pertaining to you,such as female, minority, or any specific handicap. Especially search for whatever it is you want to become.  I know there are many places fully paying for nurses because we have such a shortage.

Lastly, I want to leave you with a thought I heard long ago pertaining to going back to college.  Think about where you’ll be in another year.  (Probably the same situation, financially, emotionally, etc) What about in two years?  Unless you win the lottery, probably the same…..Now think about that time if you were on track to earning a degree.  When you have something in the “works” it always makes people feel better as they are on their way to obtaining a goal.  Now think ahead 5 years.  If you sit and do nothing, you’ll still be in the same shape.  If you don’t, you’ll have a diploma, hopefully better finances, doing what you love to do, and so much more.  An education no one can take from you and it always pays better. Good luck.
~Reva

I am having a really hard time with planning what should be the best day of my life. I am getting married next year. My fiancé and I have all the details taken care of. We have the church and reception hall booked, along with the DJ, and photographer. We are making our own favors. We bought our rings, and ordered the cake. It’s all done! Finished with no problems! Well, except for one….

Our bridal party….. We sat down awhile ago and talked it out and decided who would be in it. I chose my sister, his sister, two cousins and a long time friend. He, let’s call him Jake, chose his two brothers, two friends and a cousin.

The problem is I want another person in the wedding. She’s a dear friend of mine.
Jake said, “We already have 10 people standing up with us and that’s enough.” He doesn’t want any more. He also made a comment at one point that he didn’t know anyone else who he wanted to stand up for us. I am heartbroken because my friend who is in the wedding, me, and the girl I want to be in the wedding were best friends growing up. I said his sister should be in it because I wanted her in it, but mostly because she’s family. But, I would rather my friend be in it if that’s the case (can only have 10 people).
What do I do?

Sincerely,
Confused Bride-to-be

Dear Confused Bride -to-be,

I don’t think you are really confused at all. I think you want to make everyone happy, like the rest of the world. But, it doesn’t always happen. My sincere advice, and please take this advice through your marriage, teach it to your kids, and live happily……This is a simple case of talkin’ it out, Baby! You know what you want; now you need to let Jake know what you want. If you can’t do it now with something like this, how will you be able to discuss really BIG issues you’ll have when you are married.

Ok, how to?
1. Let Jake know how serious you are. Don’t simply flamboyantly mention it in passing.
Tell him in the morning you have something serious you want to sit down and discuss with him later, like at dinner. (He’ll be “itching” to know what it is all day.)

2. When you sit down to talk, Sit up straight, arms, including elbows lying parallel to your body in front of you, and look into those beautiful baby blues (or browns).

3. Start with a compliment or simply something positive. But make sure it’s factual. I am not trying to teach how to get what you want; I am trying to teach you to effectively communicate. Husbands need to know they aren’t being attacked or that you aren’t simply complaining. Something like…”I know we have everything in place for the wedding, and I am really happy with it all, especially your willingness to help me…Now I need your help with one more thing…” (All factual, gentle, positive, and it sets you up for a gentle response even if it isn’t what you are hoping for.)

4. Then, tell him you’d like one more person in the wedding.

5. Express its importance to you. (Ask him to hear you out if he interrupts.)

6. Know some options especially if Jake doesn’t want another guy standing up for him. Here are some I have seen/heard of before……
*Have your maid or matron of honor walk w/o an escort.
*Have 2 bridesmaids walk w/ the last groomsman- one on each arm…He’ll feel very cool.
*Have some people in mind to recommend to Jake to choose.
*Have 2 maids/matrons of honor to walk w/ best man.
*Have men standing at alter w/ Jake, ladies walk down alone, so they walk w/ the guys ONLY back up the aisle.

I am hoping Jake hears your heart, and decides to allow one more bridesmaid. Please, though at the same time, hear his heart and reasoning if he’s dead-set against it. There may be more to it than he doesn’t have anyone else to ask. Also keep in mind, that you already asked his sister to be in the wedding. It is highly inappropriate and rude to ask her to step down. (Not that you would.) If you don’t have your friend in the wedding you can always ask her to do a reading in the service or help out in another fashion.

Hope this helps and I hope you live Happily Ever After……
Reva

My brother is divorced from his wife and living with a woman and her three kids. They recently had a child together who is six months old. He had two kids by his wife, although the 7-year-old is not his biological son. He has his last name and he pays support. The boy’s mom tried to remove my brother from his life but it did not work in court, so she used other tactics to get the kid to not want to go see his father. My brother decided not to push the issue.

On Mother’s Day we gathered at my home for a cook out. The boy was there as was his older brother. When my brother showed up with his new family, the girlfriend ignored us all, wouldn’t eat and left after her kids ate. She was upset because the 7-year-old was present. We had no idea how she felt about this and invited the boy because of his older brother.

My brother tells us after that he’s trying to “break ties” with the kid for good. My mother is really upset by this. She has been his grandmother since birth and he’s very close to her. I told my brother this puts us all in an awkward situation because if the kid is present the “new family” won’t be. It turned into an argument, my brother left and I haven’t talked to him since.

I can’t believe this new girlfriend is going to let a 7-year-old boy make her feel uncomfortable. So much so that she doesn’t want to be around him. I think she’s giving my brother an ultimatum; it’s me and the new baby or the 7-year-old. So he’s cutting ties.
We feel the boy is just mixed up right now and that my brother should always be there when he needs him regardless. We all knew the kid wasn’t his when he was born but accepted him because HE chose to.

My mother does not want anymore family gatherings. What are we suppose to do?

Signed,
Keeping The Peace

Dear Keeping the Peace,

In my realm of work, and in general, we really need to put our children first. There are evidently, many people hurting here for various reasons. However and foremost I am really concerned about this 7 year old boy.

Children are so impressionable and get hurt so easily even if they do not show it….They MUST be first in our lives. Many people say they’d die for their kids, but it’s so much more important and definitely more difficult to LIVE for them. (I borrowed that from Dr. Phil) That means doing the RIGHT things, like being there for them, correcting them, staying consistent, and telling them how awesome they are and that you love them no matter what they do or don’t do. It’s not easy! It’s tiring and difficult!

This seven year old is not a dog you can take home, keep for awhile, see if he’ll “work out” and if not… abandon him. Unfortunately, that appears to be what is happening. He’s an innocent little boy who needs all the things like those listed above.

Since you asked… I will be rather direct….your brother needs to step up to the plate and let his girlfriend (who is not his wife) know that he’s going to honor his commitment. I would also suggest to your brother to work things out with his ex-wife…talk it out. They need to put their personal differences aside and look at what’s best for these boys. (Don’t think this doesn’t affect the older son, because it does. He will remember the way his little brother was treated and by whom.) Hopefully, your brother can work out something that involves all family members.

Frankly, my head is spinning about the girlfriend. She’s a mother, and doesn’t want this father to see his adopted son! OMG! Where’s the compassion? I hope she isn’t blaming the boy for not being your brother’s biological son, or taking up your brother’s time….Blame should never be put on a child for circumstances such as these. This boy has done nothing wrong. So is the kid a scapegoat for the sins of the parents? I just don’t understand this. I am a mother and I cannot imagine keeping my husband from his children (unless he was abusive or something which isn’t the case here). Children need both parents, and being envious of past relationships and/or an innocent child won’t cause anything but strife.

So, Trying to Keep the Peace, what can you do?

Talk it out…if your brother will talk to you. Stay calm. Remember that a gentle word turns away wrath. I am a firm believer that often it isn’t what we do that offends someone, but how we do it. When you talk to your brother, keep your focus on the 7 year old, how he feels, and what a great dad your brother has been to him so far. Let him know he can still have the girlfriend and new baby in his life and at family gatherings and ALSO be there for both boys. There’s a way to make room for everyone in his life. It should be the more the merrier.

Hopefully, after giving everyone some time to talk and cool down, let “words settle,” etc. there will be a resolution everyone can live with. Unfortunately, though some families have two separate celebrations for holidays, etc. If this happens, think of the love you can show the kids without the hassle and discomfort. If we all functioned in love all the time, (and not selfishness) then “keeping the peace” would just HAPPEN. Thanks for your question. I wish you all the best.
Reva