New Girlfriend Causes Family Friction

Dear Reva,

My brother is divorced from his wife and living with a woman and her three kids. They recently had a child together who is six months old. He had two kids by his wife, although the 7-year-old is not his biological son. He has his last name and he pays support. The boy’s mom tried to remove my brother from his life but it did not work in court, so she used other tactics to get the kid to not want to go see his father. My brother decided not to push the issue.

On Mother’s Day we gathered at my home for a cook out. The boy was there as was his older brother. When my brother showed up with his new family, the girlfriend ignored us all, wouldn’t eat and left after her kids ate. She was upset because the 7-year-old was present. We had no idea how she felt about this and invited the boy because of his older brother.

My brother tells us after that he’s trying to “break ties” with the kid for good. My mother is really upset by this. She has been his grandmother since birth and he’s very close to her. I told my brother this puts us all in an awkward situation because if the kid is present the “new family” won’t be. It turned into an argument, my brother left and I haven’t talked to him since.

I can’t believe this new girlfriend is going to let a 7-year-old boy make her feel uncomfortable. So much so that she doesn’t want to be around him. I think she’s giving my brother an ultimatum; it’s me and the new baby or the 7-year-old. So he’s cutting ties.
We feel the boy is just mixed up right now and that my brother should always be there when he needs him regardless. We all knew the kid wasn’t his when he was born but accepted him because HE chose to.

My mother does not want anymore family gatherings. What are we suppose to do?

Signed,
Keeping The Peace

Dear Keeping the Peace,

In my realm of work, and in general, we really need to put our children first. There are evidently, many people hurting here for various reasons. However and foremost I am really concerned about this 7 year old boy.

Children are so impressionable and get hurt so easily even if they do not show it….They MUST be first in our lives. Many people say they’d die for their kids, but it’s so much more important and definitely more difficult to LIVE for them. (I borrowed that from Dr. Phil) That means doing the RIGHT things, like being there for them, correcting them, staying consistent, and telling them how awesome they are and that you love them no matter what they do or don’t do. It’s not easy! It’s tiring and difficult!

This seven year old is not a dog you can take home, keep for awhile, see if he’ll “work out” and if not… abandon him. Unfortunately, that appears to be what is happening. He’s an innocent little boy who needs all the things like those listed above.

Since you asked… I will be rather direct….your brother needs to step up to the plate and let his girlfriend (who is not his wife) know that he’s going to honor his commitment. I would also suggest to your brother to work things out with his ex-wife…talk it out. They need to put their personal differences aside and look at what’s best for these boys. (Don’t think this doesn’t affect the older son, because it does. He will remember the way his little brother was treated and by whom.) Hopefully, your brother can work out something that involves all family members.

Frankly, my head is spinning about the girlfriend. She’s a mother, and doesn’t want this father to see his adopted son! OMG! Where’s the compassion? I hope she isn’t blaming the boy for not being your brother’s biological son, or taking up your brother’s time….Blame should never be put on a child for circumstances such as these. This boy has done nothing wrong. So is the kid a scapegoat for the sins of the parents? I just don’t understand this. I am a mother and I cannot imagine keeping my husband from his children (unless he was abusive or something which isn’t the case here). Children need both parents, and being envious of past relationships and/or an innocent child won’t cause anything but strife.

So, Trying to Keep the Peace, what can you do?

Talk it out…if your brother will talk to you. Stay calm. Remember that a gentle word turns away wrath. I am a firm believer that often it isn’t what we do that offends someone, but how we do it. When you talk to your brother, keep your focus on the 7 year old, how he feels, and what a great dad your brother has been to him so far. Let him know he can still have the girlfriend and new baby in his life and at family gatherings and ALSO be there for both boys. There’s a way to make room for everyone in his life. It should be the more the merrier.

Hopefully, after giving everyone some time to talk and cool down, let “words settle,” etc. there will be a resolution everyone can live with. Unfortunately, though some families have two separate celebrations for holidays, etc. If this happens, think of the love you can show the kids without the hassle and discomfort. If we all functioned in love all the time, (and not selfishness) then “keeping the peace” would just HAPPEN. Thanks for your question. I wish you all the best.
Reva

One Comment on "New Girlfriend Causes Family Friction"

Just wondering on Wed, 18th Nov 2009 3:31 pm

Please list your cridentials, as I’m sure my husband will ask because I am using this article to prove to him that children come first. He thinks that HE should come first. This is a regular fight we’ve had for 15 years.

Thank you so much
Just wondering

New Girlfriend Causes Family Friction

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