Tips On Talking It Out

Many of the requests often received by dear “so-n-so” columns are often problems that need to be “talked out.”

Let’s get real on some things……look at your problem/situation in the face. Did you do anything to cause it? If so, then perhaps an apology is an order. Let’s look at some inappropriate ways to apologize……….
Do Not…..
1. yell “SORRY” and stamper off like a little kid.
2. place blame on the other person. (For example…I am sorry you made me do it.)
3. call names. (For example….I apologize that you’re an idiot).
4. apologize for the person’s feelings. (For example, I am sorry you were disappointed.)
5. have an emotional thrust…the crying, yelling etc…Take some time, wait awhile if you need to in order to have a composed discussion.

People need to talk things out. That is a number ONE problem!….We often can’t! Ya see, what often happens is that we don’t like to listen to the other side, but Man, we want to be heard! So some people drive off in cars, swear, break dishes, cry and scream…whatever… so they can be heard! Ridiculous! It’s time to change to a people of self-control. We should have calmness and politeness, and we need to care about others…enough to listen with our hearts. We often listen to words and try to form a defense immediately, instead of saying we’re sorry and meaning it. We need to apologize to set ourselves free from defending wrong or hurt and to set others free from hurt and injustice…..

It is alright to take some time away from the person. After all, you just had an argument of some sort. Let them know if you can. Say something like, “I can’t talk about this right now. I just need some time.” You can also add a time for that person to call you, or when you will call them. Really “get to the heart” apologies should be done face to face if possible, (when both people are ready). You can see the person’s reactions, body language etc. and often follow that if need be; for example there may be a misunderstanding and you’ll be able to see that in their facial expressions.

Furthermore an apology should be “I am sorry for (action you did or something you said). Please forgive me. I didn’t intend to hurt you.” If you did intend to hurt the person (and at times we do), then at the end say, “I did it because……..(fill in) I was angry (for example), and that’s a shallow reason, and I am so sorry.” That’s a great apology. One with guts that takes ownership of the wrong-doing.

For example: “Jack, I am sorry for yelling at you and calling you a jerk. I was over-emotional and did not intend to hurt you. I know I really need to get control over these emotions, so I can calm down and talk out our problems. Please forgive me.”

Sometimes it isn’t easy, but don’t sit around and analyze your apology…”just do it.” I recently apologized for something I thought was so ridiculous for the offender to be upset about. Not only did I think it was ridiculous; but I also thought I was RIGHT about the situation at hand…even after we talked the details out. However, I did NOT tell the person I felt that way. I just apologized with heartfelt sincerity. Why? And did I lie?

Firstly, I didn’t lie….I wanted the person to be set free from hurt. And yes it was a true “gutsy” apology like the one above. There was a part of my brain saying, What are you doing, Reva? This is nuts?” But, my heart said, “I hurt her, no matter how trivial I think it is. She’s in pain over this, and our relationship will not be the same until she knows my heart wants peace too” So, really it is about laying down our pride, at times, for the ability to have PEACE!

I know people who have held grudges for years….Why do people do that? Because they are RIGHT! There may be other ‘things” at hand, like money, or valuable items (whether it’s monetary or sentimental.) But those things in life will pass away….money is gone in a heartbeat and items, get lost, broken, etc. Let’s face it. PRIDE holds us back. We want to be right AND we want the other party to ACKNOWLEDGE that we are right! (Dang! wouldn’t that be nice.) Normally that doesn’t happen, so we stay angry and sever our relationship for years.

Receiving an apology is usually much easier than giving one. We usually say that we accept the person’s apology after talking it out and go on with life. In severe situations we may not go on in life with that person as a friend or in our lives. Believe it or not….that’s okay too. I have a friend whose ex-husband had cheated on her many times. How many times can she forgive that? Her mind always wondering who he’s with. None-the-less, how many STDs will she have or even knowing she could contract AIDS. The list goes on. I think the best way to put it is use your own judgment. If you are constantly being hurt by someone, you may be in more serious danger….don’t engage with them any more.

That’s all for now. Enjoy your week.
~Reva

Reva is a graduate of SUNY Potsdam with a bachelors degrees in psychology and education. She’s also a graduate of SUNY Cortland with a masters degree in education. Reva has worked many years as an educator and gives very practical advice.
If you have a question for Reva, email her at reva@m3ppublications.com

Tips On Talking It Out

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